Sign Posts for the Weary Wild Soul

All my life, I’ve been told that I’m “mature for my age.” I’ve always had difficulty balancing my own maturity with the reality of my age and the stage of life that I am in. On some levels I relate much better to people 5, 10, 20 years older than me, but no matter how “mature” I may be, the fact remains that I am only 20 years old. By trying to fit in with people older than me, I lose some of what it means to be young, most of all spontaneity and freedom. I put on a serious face most of the time and talk about my “priorities” and how busy I am. But is this really how I want to live my life? Running around like crazy trying to accomplish all

Acting my age on the Alaska Cruise...haha

of these things so that when people ask me what I’ve been up to lately, I can proudly rattle off a list of my achievements?

During high school, I used partying as a way of escaping the growing pressures of young adult life: first bills, college looming in the distance, the reality of the world that we live in, all of its imperfections. Now, several years later, I’m finding it very difficult once again, to balance the mature, responsible part of myself, with the part of me that just wants to go have fun. As a babysitter, I do get to express my inner child while I’m working. But what about my inner 20-year-old? Dancing around with the kids I watch to Disney tunes isn’t the same thing as going to a party with people my own age and dancing to our music and sharing stories of our generation.

Many of our ancient ancestors spent their nights dancing around fires and sharing stories with one another. Isn’t partying then, our modern translation? How can I integrate partying into my life again, but this time in a healthy way? How can I get that need met, the need for a tribe to belong to, who cares about my stories and whose stories I want to hear, without getting all caught up in the negative aspects of partying in our world today?

I’ve talked negatively about parties in general for the last six months or more. I’ve talked about how “vapid” they are, how all of the conversations are about the same things (primarily past partying stories). But every time I said this in my arrogant tone, somewhere in my mind a voice piped up and said, “Yeah, but it’s fun.” Even though I was standing there talking about how lame partying is, a part of me craved the pressure release that partying provided for me. Before when I went to parties, I always had a boyfriend, which meant I wasn’t entirely free to socialize with whomever I wanted, or the people I was with depressed me once the shiny newness wore off. The reality that the couple whose home we were partying at, had children trying to get to sleep inside was a huge buzz kill. What if I found a group of people who take care of business during the week, have clear priorities, but also know how to let loose and have a good time on the weekend? Do people like that exist? Are some of them my age??
I recently realized that there are certain aspects of my personality that I only express in a party atmosphere, this really alarmed me. Nowhere else do I laugh as much, dance as freely, and most of all give myself permission to act my own age. So why does part of me still say it’s a bad thing? Is it just human nature to always have contradicting parts of ourselves? Or is the part of me that says partying is bad right and I ought to cut it out?

Insight anyone?

Love and blessings,
Katie