Sign Posts for the Weary Wild Soul

Two recent experiences I had, showed me that some people seem to seek out anger and disagreement in their lives. Both of these scenarios showed me a side of people I hadn’t seen before, and through that a valuable way of looking at myself in relation to others.

Scene 1: Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, in line for tickets with my sister. Lots of people milling about.

Some guy: (irritated) Go! He’s ready.

I glanced up to see the young man in the ticket booth staring at me with a look that said, “What are you *$#@ing waiting for you idiot?” My sister and I promptly rushed forward. Only to be verbally assaulted from behind once again.

African-American woman: (extremely irritated) Eeeexcuse me. I was in line.

Realizing that we had just mistakenly cut in front of this woman, I put my hand on her shoulder. I could tell she was really upset. It was important to me that she know it was unintentional, and certainly not race related.

Me: (in my most humble and apologetic tone) I’m so sorry. We didn’t see you. Some guy was yelling at us to go, and we just didn’t want to hold up the line. We were talking and when he said to go, we just stepped up.

I looked her in the eyes as I said this but it was like she couldn’t see me. Maybe all she saw was my skin color, and her past experience taught her to interpret this situation only one way. The righteous indignation and wrath that she felt was barely below the surface. Our little exchange had touched on a wave of emotion that couldn’t be kept from breaking.

She turned around and started saying something about how we didn’t know how to wait in line and how rude we were. Her words weren’t what was so terrible. It was the way she said them, years of anger cemented atop each one. I felt so helpless and out of my skin. There was no way I could have convinced her that our err was genuine.

Scene 2: Tutoring Lounge, Las Positas College.

I bumped into this woman from psychology club and we started talking about classes and majors.

Me: Are you majoring in psychology?
Woman: Yes, are you?
Me: No, English. I thought I wanted to major in Psychology but I realized it isn’t where my heart’s at.

Woman: (frustrated) I’m taking English this semester. Every book this teacher assigned is atheist! I’m tired of all the liberal teachers on campus…

(here she could have gone on forever had I not interrupted)

Me: What are the books? let me take a look…(she showed me the list) Yeah, someone else was telling me about this teacher. He had the same problem with them.

We continued to talk about the material and whether or not it was appropriate for an English class, which I actually agree with her in thinking that material in an English class should not be propaganda for one person’s views no matter what those views might be. As we continued to talk, it became clear to me that what she really wanted was for me to get into a “Let’s slam teachers” fest with her, but I wasn’t interested in that.

Me: Well can you drop the class?

Woman: No, I really want to get it out of the way this semester.
Me: Well, Buddhist philosophy teaches that all suffering comes from resistance. You’re only what…three weeks into the semester? And you’re already setting yourself up to hate every minute of it. If you plan to stay in the class—

Woman: Yeah but look at this stuff…

She proceeded to show me Labyrinth by Jorge Luis Borges.

Woman: I was reading it and I couldn’t figure out if what he was talking about was true or not. I had to flip back to the beginning to find out it was fiction.

(there was a complete blank page between the introduction and the body of the text with one word on it: Fictions)

She continued: These first two stories are terrible but the third one isn’t bad.

Me: Well you’ve only read three stories, one out of three isn’t too bad.

Somehow after this I got sucked into talking about politics with her. She told me as I got older I would become conservative and that at my age “You’re supposed to be liberal.” I don’t know if that’s true but I really doubt it’ll be true for me. I was very vehement about the fact that I don’t trust either political party and in letting her know that I am neither registered as a Republican, nor a Democrat.

As I got up to leave I wanted to leave her with one more note on her English teacher.

Me: I know you’re having a hard time with that teacher, and I can tell you’re really angry about it. But instead of being angry with your teacher, don’t you think that any spiritual teacher would advise you to have compassion for him because he’s lost?

Once again in this situation I was compelled to touch this person, whose energy felt so angry and riled up. In this case, none of her anger was directed at me but she just seemed so angry about everything. I hope that my energy was somehow healing for her…

So there’s were my two Crash-like experiences.

The other day after the psych club meeting about synesthesia, I decided to talk to the young man, Zach, who had synesthesia afterwards.

I wanted to ask him if his experiences with synesthesia had at all influenced him to look into spirituality. His answer was, “Well, I’m Christian,” in a tone that let me know he definitely felt it would be against his “beliefs” to do explore anything else.

I would like to ask you, anyone who is Christian and reads this: where in the Bible is spiritual exploration prohibited? Is there a commandment that says no spiritual truth can be found outside of the Bible?

There once lived a woman and her daughter who were terrified of spiders. They lived, with the father, high in the mountains of the El Dorado forest where there were many spiders of a splendid variety.

Late at night, the daughter would lie awake imagining spiders dropping down from the eves to land on her bed. She slept with the covers pulled up just beneath her nose, never with ease. In the house of the women, all spiders were viewed as trespassers. The death sentence was immediately handed down upon any spider’s discovery, no matter the size, wherever they hid, and without the right to any trial.

Once when the father was away, the woman and her daughter had called upon a neighbor to rescue them from a particularly large specimen who was seeking water in their bath tub, where it instead met it’s maker.

One day, the daughter was poised—toilet paper in hand–over a particularly small spider. In a moment of sudden awareness, she realized just how tiny and harmless it was. Instead of smashing it, she went to the cupboard and got out a plastic bowl and lid and shooed the little creature inside. Cautiously, she walked toward the door, being careful not to let the spider escape from the container. She went to the nearest rock and dropped the creature off in its new home. She rushed to tell her mother the news of her triumph. Together, the two decided to tackle their fear of eight-legged creatures.

At first, and with great nervousness, they began trapping the spiders in Tupperware to relocate them outside. Excited, they shared their change of heart with others who couldn’t seem to understand the point of saving a spider’s life when it was so much quicker and easier to smash it with a shoe. The mother and daughter didn’t let the quizzical looks of others sway them, however, and continued rescuing each spider they found in their home. As time went on their technique improved (the Tupperware lids had a bad habit of rending a limb or two from each tiny creature as it tried to run away to safety). A feather was substituted in place of the lid and the women’s bravery grew, as they mustered the courage to relocate bigger and bigger spiders. Their new method instilled in them a sense of peace and pride. Peace, because they could now live in harmony with the arachnids in their world, and pride because they had conquered their former fear.

After a year had passed, their view of spiders had grown to be almost apathetic. If the mother or the daughter spotted a spider while in bed reading, instead of the heart-pounding fear of before, the women felt more of an internal shrug of the shoulders. She would whisper to the spider to kindly stay off of the bed and let it know that if it wished to go outside, she’d give it a hand the next day. Both of the women slept in peace for the rest of their days.

I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle and thus I am cultivating my awareness of my ego, which is very slow-going I must say. It’s hard to become aware of something that for your entire life you have assumed is YOU. Anyway through this process I have noticed some interesting things that I thought I would share in hopes that it might resonate with you and help others to feel their own hypocrisy. Here goes.

I have a sort of vendetta against wealthy people, and for a long time have chosen to play the “I’ve had a hard knock life card.” It is debatable whether or not this is true but a recent conversation with a friend made me realize how far from difficult my life is. Though I have had some hardships in my past, most of those problems are just that: passed. My friend essentially put me before the judge and jury. Key exhibits included: my iPhone, car (not paid for by me), my family’s cabin, and last of all, but not to be ignored the fact that I am enrolled in college. An indignant voice piped up in my mind, “But, but…our carpets are old and stained! My parent’s cars are used! I’ve never been to Hawaii or Europe or anywhere! Pooor me!”

It is only through awareness that I was able to realize how full of sh*t I am when I pull that card. Let’s flip it around: My carpets may be old, but we own our home. Our cars may be used, but each member of my family has a car to drive. I haven’t been to Hawaii or Europe, but my family has a cabin with quads and snowmobiles. So obviously I am not deprived in any way. This came as somewhat of a shock to me (or rather, to my ego).

This scenario happened a few months ago and now back in school two recent occurrences revealed an all-time personal hypocritical low.

Scene 1: Statistics Class, second day.
Female student: (to me) What school did you go to?
Me: Livermore high.
Male student: You went to Livermore High? Me too!
Female student: Oh. I went to Amador.
Me: I could have guessed.
Female student: How?
Me: I can tell you aren’t hurting for money. (She had been talking about not being able to get any financial aid/scholarships because of how much money her parents make)

Later on…

Me: I used to smoke a lot in high school.
Male student: Dude everyone did!
Me: (laughs) Well that’s not true, not everyone smoked. It just seemed like it because you did.
Female student: (laughing) Really it’s only you.

Brief pause.

Female student: I didn’t smoke.
Me: I could have guessed.

End scene.

WTF? Why was I so mean to her? So what that her parents probably have more money than mine? My ego just wanted to make her feel stupid for having money (and myself feel superior for not having it), and in the process I made myself look like a jerk. I even referenced thrift store shopping at another part in the conversation. How pompous of me! Okay on to scene two….this is where it gets good.

Scene Two
Setting: Theater class, hallway, discussing improv. ideas with my partner.

Me: Okay, we could pretend that we’re a couple at Cirque Du Soleil, and you’re all turned on by the contortionists.
Male Student: (indignant) I don’t speak French. What’s Cirque Du…
Me: You don’t know what Cirque Du Soleil is?
Male Student: No I don’t.
Me. You seriously don’t know what Cirque Du Soleil is???

End Scene.

That’s enough to get my point across. Maybe I should have asked him one more time, just to reeeaaally rub in my superior cultural knowledge. So in the first scenerario, I pull the lower class card to make someone with more money than me feel stupid. And in the second scenario I pull the upper class card and try to make someone feel stupid because they haven’t been exposed to popular art. Not only was I mean to another human being in both instances but it also shows how desperate our egos are to make ourselves feel superior no matter what the scenario is. No scruples. No morals. Just juvenile, “anything you can do, I can do better.” kind of crap.

That’s all for now on that subject but I’m sure I’ll be writing more as I  attempt to deconstruct my ego. If you have any experiences with ego awareness that you think might help bring awareness to others, do share!

Love and Blessings,
Katie

What would it be like to feel music or taste words? People with synesthesia have fused senses which allows them to do just that. The most common form of synesthesia is seeing letters and numbers in color.

Today at Psychology Club we covered the subject of synesthesia, as one of our members experiences the world in that unique way. We also watched a 60 Minutes special about it. One of the neurologists on the film hypothesized that when we are born our senses are fused, and as we get older we learn to distinguish between them.

What if experiencing synesthesia was something we could just open ourselves up to? How cool would it be to literally feel music? Or see it? My research into the chakra system has opened me up to the idea of vividly experiencing my subtle body by tuning into it and Zach, the student with synesthesia, expressed that he feels it’s a matter of awareness.

So when a friend of mine says something or makes an affectionate gesture, without physically touching me, and I feel a movement somewhere within me, but not resonating from my typical senses, that reminds me of the way a school of fish would move is that syesthesia? I interpreted it as me experiencing the movement of my own energy field, and I guess I don’t think that’s the same thing of synesthesia. But maybe, it’s just one step away from it!

I love music so much and I definitely get quite a rush from it…I wonder how far away I am from being able to feel it?

Any thoughts/experiences of your own to share?

Love and Blessings,
Katie

For my birthday, one of my friends bought me a book on Dreams.  So lately, I’ve been making a mild attempt to control the subject matter of my dreams, which is also known as dream work. I put forth a question at night before falling asleep, the intention being to work on finding the answer in your slumber. The very first night I tried it, it worked! I’m not going to say the answer was very clear, but I did dream about the topic I had put my mind to.

The world of dreams is incredible and full of endless possibility, which is why I’m so drawn to it. The idea of lucid dreaming is just so appealing to me. I’ve been able to realize I was dreaming a few times but I always wake up within a minute or two so I never get to have any extended adventures in dream land. I’m interested in talking with others on this subject. Do any of you have any experience?

All I know so far is that dreams are really hard for me to interpret. They just seem so random to me it’s hard to see any consistent patterns or relevance but I guess I’ll get better with practice…I haven’t finished the book yet and I’m sure it will help.

As a babysitter and one-house-a-week-cleaner, I spend a lot of time in the homes of other families. It sometimes frustrates me how little care people take to minimize their footprint on our environment. There seems to be an attitude of, “Too late to turn back now!” or “What difference does one person make?” or probably above all else: “I don’t have the time!” But that is so silly! We all have the ability to make a difference and our influence on others can expand that difference infinitely. So here’s some things I see, or things that my family does, that are simple ways to cut down on waste.

1. Get a Brita filter (or similar product) and some Nalgene or Camelbak or Kleen Kanteens and use them. I tried to find some statistics on how much waste accumulates each year due to single-use plastic bottles but I didn’t find much, either way, it’s safe to say A LOT.
2. Turn the lights off when you aren’t at the house. It amazes me to come into some homes where the lights are seemingly left on 24 hrs. a day.
3. Save plastic bags instead of throwing them away. My family hangs a “bag of bags” on a chair in the kitchen and when it fills up, we throw it in the trunk. Once we have a couple we just take them down to Nobb Hill where there is a receptacle by the main doors (you don’t even have to go inside!). I know other stores have them too but I’m not sure which ones…
4. Do big loads of laundry, fill the dishwasher all the way, take short showers, and turn off the water while you brush your teeth.
5. AVOID CORPORATIONS LIKE THE PLAGUE THEY ARE. I can’t believe how many people flock straight into Togo’s/Quizno’s/Subway when Livermore boasts two superb delis: Tommy’s on 2nd Street and Cafe Pick Me Up on the corner of 4th and N. Livermore (Cafe Pick Me Up has the BEST salads). Another example is chain Mexican places like Baja Fresh. How about Los Caporales on First Street (right across from Panama Bay)? KILLER Mexican food, low prices and you’re actually supporting a family-owned restaurant.
6. Have a separate paper recycling near your computer, cut up some of that paper instead of buying note pads.
7. Pay your bills online, think of all the paper it saves!
8. Ride your bike when you have the time, not only will you save gas, but you’ll also de-stress and burn a few calories!
9. Shop at thrift stores! There’s no better feeling in the world than paying $3 for a pair of Gap jeans or $4 for a Tommy Hilfiger sweater.
10. Put your possessions that you aren’t using back into the world. Native Americans call it a give-away. Don’t just dump your clothes off that are way out of style or stained. Give away some nice things, like that shirt you keep thinking you still like, but in all truth, you haven’t worn it all summer…put it back out into the world. This helps to break up stagnation in the flow of energy between you and the rest of the universe.

If you identify yourself as one of the guilty parties in the above 10 tips don’t worry about it. It’s no judgment on you and most of those things are things I’ve seen in more than one home. I just wanted to take the time to promote some environmentally conscious ways of living.

If you have other easy tips on green living, post below! I’m always up for integrating new solutions into my day-to-day.

Love and Blessings,
Katie