When you’re still a “minor” the things you associate with growing up are all positive. First you get your driver’s license. Some of us get to look forward to college and the dorm life, others look forward to moving out on their own. Then on down the road, you can buy alcohol and gamble. Whether or not you are interested in bars or casinos, turning 21 is an American rite of passage.
As you move past 18 and start rolling toward 21 something happens. As you get older you begin to see that the stakes are higher. People you’ve known get married, get pregnant, or die. Suddenly, getting older doesn’t seem “cool” anymore. Reality in all its forms makes itself known.
In the last year I’ve buried one close friend (age 23) and another friend’s parent. Outside of that I’ve known three other young people who have died, though not as closely. I’m suddenly being faced with the reality that my own friends can and will die, and so will their parents. Lately I’ve got a perpetual lump in my throat.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to be my 85-year-old grandpa. He’s buried his wife of 60 years and now he’s watching his children (and grand children) bury their friends.
What makes this more difficult is that we don’t have a cultural standard for dealing with death. If we did it could be summed up with the question, “How did he/she die?” People always want to know the details. When my friend died, I didn’t want to go around saying how fast he was going on his motorcycle, or exactly what it was he ran into that killed him. Why isn’t enough to say, “He got in a motorcycle accident on his way home.” Instead of facing the real issue at hand, Ryan is gone and we’ll never see him again, we distract ourselves with incidentals. The spiritual or religious aspect of death is either pared down or over blown. For instance, one of the funerals I went to was for someone who was a Christian. The whole funeral the pastor was drumming on salvation, trying to save those of us in the audience who have chosen not to call ourselves Christian. A memorial should focus on the person whose death is being mourned, and not viewed as an opportunity to proselytize.
Though Ryan died in early November, a friend of my boyfriend’s passed away early this morning. Death seems to be everywhere lately. The only positive reaction I can think of is to love those who are still here because everything passes by so quickly.
